Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
