census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
