and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
