its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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