I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
