Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
