question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
