I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
