she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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