I met the friendliest cop last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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