So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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