Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.