my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"