I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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