Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
