I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
