just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
