Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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