wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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