drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
