Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
