I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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