Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
