by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am one with the molecules
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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