I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You took a bar mat shot.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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