On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
