I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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