dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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