the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
