1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
