And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
