Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
