I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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