I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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