I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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