her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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