peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize