I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
