I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i used baking grease as lip gloss
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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