Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
