if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Less talking, more tequila
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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