are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
