Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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