My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
