Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
