god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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