I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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