you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno