if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it