Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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