my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I die, sorry about rent.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
