I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
