Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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