don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
