Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
