Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
not ubering you a puppy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
jump out the window naked night went bad
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