3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
