And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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