Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
